cuba was supposed to come over last night to do my hair and watch project runway together but her car broke down. so, lady is going to help me dye it in a little bit and attempt to braid it before i leave. i'll be out of here tomorrow but i can't check in until after three. therefore, i wouldn't be leaving until the afternoon. i'm going to have to fit all of my shit in my jeep. it should be fun like tetris! i have a shitton of sewing stuff and costumes that i must bring now. i probably have more of those than real clothes or food.

trying to get to the bank to deposit the check kate gave me (which is too much for her commission but she told me to STFU about it and take it) and then get my car inspected. i hope it passes. i know i need to get my tires re-aligned and rotated but i get that for free and i was waiting to go back to school to do that. the ac doesn't work but that hasn't since i got it. oh! and there is a lovely, little crack in the center of my windshield now. i have to get one of those repair kits to fix that. i think it should pass though. all of MJ's problems are superficial.

then i have to pack some more if i have time and head into work early. i hope someone is there who can cash me out because they changed the rule and only certain managers can cut fabric for us and cash us out. i need to get jeb's stuff for his super secret, expensive cosplay he commissioned me for. i'm excited about it! then i get home around ten and pack some more, go to sleep, wake up, do laundry, pack again, hope everything fits in the car, and leave.

ugh... i also have to see if i can look at some sort of check stub or something. i got paid yesterday through direct deposit and it was $157. that doesn't seem right because i worked about twenty-five hours. that's a lot out in taxes if it's right. maybe it is though....

( class schedule )

today was not a triumph...

D=

okay, i have to finish cleaning this morning. i did almost everything last night but i still have to unload the dishwasher, clean the cat litter, take out the trash, and vacuum upstairs. i was supposed to have all day to clean the house before lady and brother get back but i took amy's hours for today and gave her my hours for tuesday. that way i'm already about half way to the airport by 6:30 which will save gas. also, it gives me an extra hour for this week considering i was on for three days but one of them was the day i'm leaving for school. so, i have two days. it's not that bad considering i've had one day off since last friday.

ami e-mailed me back about working in the costume shop again. she said she would love to hire me and told me the hours i'd probably be working. twelve hours a week! that's perfect considering the fact that i can only work twenty hours a week on campus and i'm working about eight at the journal. i told her i'd take that as long as it works out with the off-campus job i hope to get. also, if i have a lot of work on the journal, i'll have to cut back on shop hours but i'll let her know.

speaking of the journal. i e-mailed dr. p and he told me that they moved me for this year. i don't have a cubical in the library (across campus from where i live) but an actual office in one of the suites in the english department. totally decorating the shit out of that thing. i found a really cut picture of my "family" (canada, america, england, france, finland, and sweden) that i want to frame and put on my desk.

trying to find an off-campus job. i just need something small, like ten to twenty hours a week. i'm looking into hobby lobby, barnes and noble, coffee shops, restaurants, dance studios, and a few stores. i was trying to apply to spirit halloween but i couldn't find the store in the locations. i'll have to call when i can find a number.

oh shit! i had this really freaking nightmare this morning. i had this giant poster (cover the entire wall) of germany and prussia getting it on hanging up. that isn't really part of the nightmare but it was awesome. so, i'm sitting in my room when my old boss calls and tells me to go visit the store where she works now. when i get there, it's not my old boss but an old co-worker. she brings her boss over to talk to me about a job. he's in a suit and for some reason, i'm in pjs. that's ridiculous because i just don't leave the house in sweats or pjs. after that i left with lady and brother (how they got there, i don't know). we stopped to chase some kid in a bad area. we were talking to him and about a half hour latter, i realized my wallet was missing and so was lady's ipod. it's ridiculous because i know not to leave my wallet anywhere. i've lived in some bad areas. but, i was freaking out! there wasn't money in my wallet. there hardly ever is, however, my debit card was in there. there's not much money in my account but what is there is for bills and school. if i didn't have that, i'd lose my phone, car, and would have to drop out of school. plus, i keep stuff in my wallet: stupid drawings, pictures, some phone numbers, and stuff like that. also, it was my awesome death note wallet...

all of this made me realize that i never want to lose my wallet.

got my new layout working! my sister made me a header! not sure if i like the color scheme yet...

i need to get motivated.

watched eternal sunshine today. i haven't seen that movie in so long.

it made me remember what i really want.

i don't know what the fuck i'm doing anymore. D=

my wrists have been bothering me again. especially my right wrist. they throb and ache. plus, i have shooting pain through my fingers which have been kind of numb. i'm losing strength in my hands. i don't know how many things i've dropped lately and i couldn't even cut through model magic with a razor last night when i was making bruder's cross. i just hope this doesn't hinder sewing and crafts and such.

sewing, sculpting, typing, and cutting fabric probably isn't helping. i should go to a doctor but d-bag got new insurance and it's pretty much impossible to find a doctor that accepts it in the area. so, i basically have no health insurance. can't afford it with insurance anyway.

my head hurts too. i'm way over due for an mri but, again, can't afford it. so, oxycodone and alcohol ftw!

i am still working on this commission. luckily, i'm almost done. i finished the pants and now i just have to finish up the top. all that's left is hemming the sleeves, making the collar/scarf. shouldn't take that long considering the fact that the scarf is tattered so the only sewing i have to do on it is attaching it to the collar. i have work in the morning until 3:30 but i don't think that will take me longer than four hours. i may do a little more before sleeping.

i'm almost out of black thread! how the fuck does that happen!?!

one of the reasons this is taking me so long is because i was watching shows about morbidly obese people and i got so distracted, i sewed part of the pants on backwards. so i had to rip the entire seam, iron it out again, and resew. the fat people shows made me remember that i really need to get back into shape. i have a little more weight to loose and i need to get back into weight lifting and ab work again. germany may kill me when she comes over...

it's so fucking hot in my room. i feel like i'm in a sweatshop.

the fashion show kind of annoys me a lot. i don't know why i'm watching it. i can't wait for project runway to come back on.

this is going to sound entirely cheesy but i don't care. i was sitting on my floor working on pierce's commission when i realized how much better i felt simply cutting and pinning fabric. i don't know, maybe it's just the thought of taking nothing and making it into something, deconstructing, transforming, and creating. it just relaxes me to have a pair of shears or a needle and thread in my hands. it makes me forget everything.

sometimes i think i'm going into the wrong profession. i'm considering going for my masters and then maybe even a phd. i love both of my majors and i am passionate about them but sometimes i wonder if i'm more passionate about costuming and makeup design.

i don't know.  recently i've been feeling like a major loserfailurejackass and i know why.  i'm just so fucking stupid all of the time most of the time.  and i'm tired of being dumb.  i'm tired of making mistakes.  i'm tired of people reminding me of how fucking dumb i can be.  mostly, i'm tired of pretending.  i used to be so fucking smart and successful and overacheiving.  i'm not quite sure what happened.

i mean, i thought i would be okay this summer.  i took a differnt job that paid less but didn't make me physically sick and leave me emotionally tattered.  figured that would be all right since i got a ton of money back from the school after scoring another scholarship after i paid.  but, school went up in cost and that's where almost all of my money went and i still had to pay other bills and i had to borrow money from my grandma.  i may be only going into my third year of college but i'm almost a fucking senior.  in fact, by the end of next year, i could have my ba in english writing but i probably won't because i have to make sure i fit in two majors by the end of four years.  anyway, i should be able to take care of myself but i can't.  i can't seem to do anything right.  i'm slipping away from being what i used to be.  i don't know what i am anymore.  i just want to prove that i can make it.  i just want to shove it all in his fucking face.  is that too much to ask?


i was listening to this song the other day and i realized that i like it now more than ever:

( i'm good for nothing )

anyway, i have to finish a commission in the next two or three days and take lady to get her surgery tomorrow.  i'm hoping i can just bring my computer and write the entire time she's in there (bruder, i know i owe you a few stories and i should have them finished tomorrow).  if not, i got had the library order me a novel that takes place during the fall of the berlin wall and it came in yesterday.  so, i have that if i can't find somewhere to plug in my computer charger. 

yeah... i'm done now.  i have stuff to do before i go to bed and wake up at some ungodly hour of the morning.